I Don’t Make Promises Anymore

I don’t make promises anymore.
I used to,
But one day,

I can’t even remember when,
I can’t remember what I was wearing,
What the air smelt like.

How my brain made sense of it then,
How I lost my bearing,
Why I wanted to hold on to whatever it was so tight…

But on that day,
I made a promise.

I’m sure I meant it,
I’m sure, as usual,
In the moment,
It felt positively, absolutely, right.

But I’ve broken a lot of promises.
Most of them,
To myself.

I’ve hurt a lot of people by failing to keep those promises,
Most of them,
Different versions of myself.

Naive versions.
Kinder versions.
Untainted versions.
Younger versions.

Versions of me,
Who were different.
Versions of me,
Who sat, wide-eyed and hopeful,

The versions of me,
I irreparably broke,
With every single promise,
I made, bent and broke.

So eventually I stopped.
I stopped hurting me.
Telling myself that eventually,
I’d come through for me.

I’ll never know the day,
The last time.
The last one.
The promise”that got away”.

But know this,
Never again in my life,
Will I make another promise.

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